Mid-Week Boost: 5 Lessons from the Puzzler

For the last few weeks, I have been doing puzzles with my son (and by doing puzzles I mean coaching him while he completes them on his own). I think that puzzling can teach my busy 5 year old a lot of valuable lessons. By me choosing to guide and support him through his own processes, he can have fun and learn along the way. In watching him complete 4 or 5 puzzles so far, I have realized that puzzling can not only teach kids valuable life skills but it has lessons but can help us adults too.

1. Start small. In the beginning of whatever it is that you are trying to accomplish it may be overwhelming. Especially when you are looking at all the little pieces in front of you however, you should start with what you know and keep working from there. 
2. Always keep the end in mind. Some times you have to step away from the little pieces and look at the big picture to remind yourself what it is that you are working towards. We can get lost in the details and day to day hustle and bustle so it is always important to take a step back and remind yourself where you are headed.
3. If the first piece doesn't fit try another one. Some times things look right but don't end up working out how we plan. That does not mean that we stop. We just try a different way. It make take three or even ten times but if you get it right that will be all that matters. Your breakthrough may just be waiting on the other side keep pressing on.
4. When you get frustrated, don't quit. We all get frustrated at times but do not quit! Take a step back, take a deep breath, and start again. If you always get things right on the first try, you are not pushing yourself hard enough. You can seek out wise counsel but don't miss the lessons you can learn through the process by trying to take the easy way out.



Trying to get me to help him. 

5. It will take time but it is worth it in the end. Nothing that is worth it happens overnight and if it does it most likely will not last. Beware of instant gratification. It is always far more rewarding to accomplish something that you have really invested your time in. 

When is the last time you did a puzzle? Try one out and see how the discipline needed to complete a puzzle is really the discipline that we need in our lives overall.

So proud of what he did on his own!

Let Us Live

Artist: Unknown

Today I am mentally exhausted. I have been drafting this blog post since May and I fear how much more will need to be added to it if I continue to write any longer. My Blackness continues to weigh heavily on me. It is a glorious gift that I would NOT trade for anything in this world however, at times living in an America in which Donald Trump becomes the republican presidential nominee, it often feels like a sentence to perpetual despair. With the first two not guilty verdicts in the Freddie Gray trials, the images of a girl with rope burns around her neck after being invited to a "slumber party", tasteless tweets by the Baltimore Police Department following the SECOND not guilty verdict in the Freddie Gray trial, the most recent police execution of Alton Serling, and before I could even grief for one brother Philando Castile is murdered next--in front of his baby. There are countless other stories of Black people being wrongfully convicted and/or spending decades in jail while white men guilty of similar or lesser crimes get lesser sentences or are allowed to roam free. I am reminded far too often lately about how hard Black life can be.

There are so many childless mothers and fathers and fatherless children for no reason other than being Black or making a mistake while Black. Since when are we allowed to KILL for a mistake---whenever there is in fact one that has been made? I think about myself and so many of my Howard University educated friends and no matter how many degrees or promotions we earn, no matter how many houses we buy, happy hours or brunches we attend, in spite of the fact that we pay our taxes and mind our own business, we still have yet to reap the benefit of merely being able to exist without the possibly of being gunned down for nothing more than living while Black. We cannot wear a sign that says I have a PhD or that I am just trying to get home safely to cook dinner for my family. My body literally tenses when I see police car or police lights flash behind me even if they are just passing me by. I fear the police more than any "gangster or drug dealer" I have ever encountered in the Black community.

Credit: Awesomelyluvvie

In 2016, Blackness has been displayed in so many glorious ways. We have seen Black Girls Got The Juice and the vivacious curves of beautiful Black woman being celebrated. We have witnessed President Obama and the First Lady continue to lead with class and slay for Black families all over this country. We have seen awesome musical performances laced with Blackness and Black pride. We have drank the sweet tea of Beyonce's Lemonade. We have seen Harriet Tubman become the face of the twenty dollar bill and this fall, we will behold the opening of the National Museum of African American History and Culture in our nations capitol. What a time to be Black in this country.

However, despite all triumphs of our people and the privileges that are no longer alluding some of us, we continue to find our people at the end of a police officers gun. This has left me bewildered. I love Black people and so many proclaim to love us. Yet as we continue to see numerous white murderers walk free and even try to make a profit off of our extinguished lives, I am disheartened.

I hurt for my son who will eventually have to navigate even more realms than me as a Black man in America. Eventually his cuteness will fade and he will be another Black man that people will fear and try to tear down. No amount of good manners and following the rules can protect him. He will never be afforded the opportunity to enjoy the freedoms or make the same mistakes as his white friends. I remember praying for him to be "light skinned" when I was pregnant with him in an attempt to protect him from at least some of the many of the injustices targeted towards our Black men. But that of course could save him. Teaching him to be respectful, feeding him organic foods, and making sure he does well in school cannot save him. I want to instill in him the ability to be free-thinking, assertive, and kind. Why can't that be enough for my Black boy? Every parent wants their child to be happy and healthy but as a Black mother, I think over and over about how I just want my child to remain ALIVE. A simple yet complex request in the America we live in today. 

Artist: Debra Cartwright

I hate that Alton Serling's son will see his beloved father's murder on the internet repeatedly. Why do we have to record our injustices in order to be believed? I hate that no justice will most likely come to the Sterling family. I hate that other police officers won't stand up and say that this kind of behavior is unacceptable. Where are the white people that cheer us on and enjoy our performances? Where are the White people who use our exceptional skills to make their businesses thrive? Are they waiting for my son to be next? Or maybe one of my other friends sons? I don't want my baby to become a hashtag or a viral video. What about Philando Castile's daughter and girlfriend? Who will support the mental turmoil that they will now face because some police officer missed the day in police academy where he swore to protect and serve.

How can we change this? I have been educated in the halls of Howard University and stood in the shadows as a student of many greats yet sometimes I feel helpless. Everything else seems trivial when my people are being hunted. I don't want to see an ad for what you are selling. I don't want to see you telling us all the ways our brother could have avoided death. If I did not have God in my life, I would live in a crippling fear. I kick myself everyday that I get in a rush and cannot pray over those I love before we head out of the door. Only God can give us the strength that we need to live in times such as these. I will continue to do the work on the ground working to help build strong Black communities and to empower Black families. That is how I will fight this fight.

All in all though, I just desperately want my baby boy to be able to grow up.

The Sweetest Place on Earth

I've been wanting to go to Hershey, PA forever. This year I finally made it happen and I was not let down (except for the fact that only 2 hours before my trip, someone--most likely one of my student stole cash from my walled but we'll talk about that later though). There were so many yummy things to eat and relatively affordable things to do; we definitely got our monies worth and the people were awesome. I almost didn't want to leave.

My own little chocolate drop had the time of his life trying all the chocolate treats, hanging with Santa, and we got to spend some time with my big brother too (lots of Jay's in one room). I highly recommend this place to any and everyone, especially if you have a little one. I bet every holiday season brings a new adventure in chocolate world. I will definitely try to take it all in during this lifetime.

I plan to go back but next year, Philly here we come! (Maybe we can do both...hehe)

 

Sister, Sister

My sister and I used to be thick as thieves. We did virtually everything together. I think a shift started when I went away to college (maybe a little before then). There are things I wish that I would have done a little differently so that we could continue to have a strong relationship but hindsight is 20/20 right?

I must admit that I can be am a little overbearing at times as a big sister. I definitely feel like sometimes I know what is best for my sister, I mean after all I did go to college and have been around for a few struggles, but I guess the reality is, no one wants to listen to anyone be a nag. Everyone has to find themselves at their own pace.

So last year, I made the tough choice to let my sister venture off on her own after she had lived with me and my family for a while. No nagging-- a little suggesting (but way scaled down). She has definitely had her own struggles and there have been plenty of times when I wanted to step in and save the day but I have simply watched and only commented or helped when she has asked--which was hardly ever...ouch. Now we are kind of back in the same struggling position again and it stinks. How long does this growing process take?!? I guess I have too many fabulous friends that have set the bar super high that I have a low tolerance for/can't understand when a person is so stuck that they are almost paralyzed. We all vent but the woman I know move on.

Throughout all of this I have learned that we are two different people...I mean we are really different. But different doesn't have to mean bad. My way isn't always the best way for her.

In the book, It's a Wonderful Imperfect Life: Daily Encouragement for Women Who Strive Too Hard by Joan C. Webb says "our dreams, plans, and choices don't have to be perfect to be fulfilling and God-honoring." I am going to go ahead and say I am a perfectionist, a doer. If something needs to be done, I try to do it right away. There are lessons to be taught, resources to be found, careers to be built--right now so why wait or drag your feet? That is largely why I am becoming a therapist. We all get down and have challenges but time waits for no man and I pray that this stuck phase leaves my sister swiftly and we can experience healing in our relationship.

How do you all handle sibling relationships? Is it a challenge for most people to move from childhood relationships to adult ones with siblings? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Here is another great blog about nurturing sisterly relationships from two of my favorite sisters Tia and Tamera:

Sister 2 Sister: How Do We Stay Close?

by Tia Mowry Jan 16, 2013 at 6:00am

Recently, I got a message from site member Toya asking how to rebuild a relationship with her sister, who had just gotten into a new relationship and seemed to be drifting away from her. Toya (and all my other lovely sisters out there) – I know how scary it is to feel like you are growing apart from your sister, especially if you used to be super close. Tamera and I have been there for each other through thick and thin, and she is one of the closest people to me in the whole wide world, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t struggle with our relationship as we went through different life changes through the years. When you start having a family, a career, a husband or even just start living in different places, it’s so easy for siblings to start drifting apart. However, there are certain things we’ve done that have helped us keep up our bond, and I think they have made a huge different in our relationship. I want all my amazing sisters out there to have the best relationship possible with their sissies too, so I’m sharing the tips and lessons I’ve learned over the years below.

1. Make Your Relationship a Priority

I know this may be easier said than done, but if you really want to maintain a strong relationship with your sister or sibling, it’s important that you are actively making it a priority. That means being proactive and scheduling dates to see each other or talk on the phone and putting your time with them above other things that you might rather do at the moment. Believe me, nothing beats quality one-on-one time. Tamera and I have made our relationship a priority in our lives, and we always make room for priorities!

2. Communicate – As Often As Possible

Tamera and I are guilty of abusing pretty much every line of communication with each other – we text, tweet, email, call…sometimes all within one day! Even retweeting each other’s tweets or sending a short five-word text makes a huge difference. Most importantly, it keeps us a part of each other’s daily lives – which is so important, especially if you don’t live close to each other. Don’t wait for something “big” to happen before including your sister in your life – text her a photo of a cute dress that reminded you of her when you were shopping today, or call her and tell her about the cute guy who just started working at your office. It’s the little things that will keep you close and your bond strong!

3. Respect Each Other’s Differences

I know I’ve been giving out a lot of advice, but that doesn’t mean Tamera and I always have a perfect relationship. Do we fight? Yes! Do we disagree? Hell yeah! Buuuuut (and this is a very important “but”) – in the end, no matter how much we disagree or pull each other’s hair (kidding!!), we do one very important thing: we respect each other’s differences. Which is way easier said than done. Sometimes it just seemed like we were on two completely different pages, and both of us thought we were right. We’ve taken therapy to help us with our communication issues, and through therapy we’ve learned how each of us loves and what we need from the other person: Tamera needs affirmation, and I need presence. Having an outside perspective really helped us realize that the best thing we can possibly do for each other is to embrace the fact that we are two different people - often with two totally different opinions - but that’s exactly what makes our relationship (and every relationship!) so unique and special.

4. Forgive, forgive, forgive

Last but not least, forgiveness is key! I think life is way too short to hold a grudge against someone, especially your sister – it just makes you an angry person and does nothing but poison your relationship. Tamera and I try to make it a goal to never go to bed upset or angry at each other – we always try to clear things up or just forgive and forget before the sun sets. Unfinished business is dangerous and leaves room for assumptions…usually ones that are completely misguided and wrong!

Sisters – how do you keep up your relationship with your sister or other siblings? What have you done that has helped keep you close over the years?
Xx,
Tia

Things My Mama Has Taught Me

My mom has taught me a lot of things over the years. Here are some lessons highlighted this summer.

1. I can be wasteful. If some thing is expired in the fridge--even if it is one day I tend to throw it out. Small tear or tarnish--it's gone. I feel like I use to really save everything but now I am pitching everything. I have to get better at balancing my desire to have less "stuff" and being wasteful. In my defense though I do donate a lot of stuff to charities. So I am winning in that area.

2. Homemade coffee is just as good if not better than Dunkin'. *Gasps* Maybe it's because this comes like  a tea bag and I don't have to technically "brew" it myself (me and coffee pots don't get along). And altogether it's only 82 calories...get out of here. Two a day isn't even a problem--and with grad school this is slowly becoming the norm.

3. You can make a meal out of pretty much anything. I am not very creative in the kitchen unless I am baking but my mom helped me to realize that I can use what I have in my cabinets when I have no idea what to make or if I can't make whatever it is I have planned. This may sound simple but I never really did this until this summer. No tortilla shells? Taco night turns into taco salad night--yum. Definitely makes my life easier and saves me random trips to the store.

4. Toddlers can behave. No really. My son didn't even cry at the barber when my mom went with him and my husband WTF?!?! We will test out if she was really the difference when he goes back but I think she was. I must say that I am pretty lax in most areas with my son, I want him to explore and learn, but now that he is getting older, I really have to reign him in so he isn't a nightmare when we are out or visiting other people. I was in awe at how she would tell my nephew and son to sit while she ran into the kitchen for something and they would really sit and wait...grrr I think these boys are playing me for real. There is enough room for fun and discipline...see below (sent to me by my mom).

5. Teaching kids how to pray starts now. This I definitely knew but something simple as saying grace, my son has picked up quickly just from practicing at every meal. He obviously hasn't mastered it but he know when he sits down to a plate to put those hands together.

6. I have to speak up for myself. Now in my professional life this isn't a problem but in my personal life, I sometimes let things blow over or don't let people/friends know when they are doing something that bothers me, My mom pointed this out to me and I will put that in my things to work on bucket because she is right.

6. We parent differently and that is OK. I must say a few times I wanted to cringe when my mom had to reprimand my son for whatever reason, but I realized that instead of interceding all the time (because y'all know I had to say something a few times) I need to let them build there own relationship. We both learned a few things from each others style that I think my son will benefit from in the long wrong. Biggest lesson-don't tell a toddler learning to talk to sit on their butt unless you want to here them repeat it every chance they get--even in church.

7. We are more alike than we are different. I never really thought of myself as a mommy or daddy's girl but if I had to pick, I am definitely all about my mom. We always have something to talk about and even when we seemingly disagree, all we really want is the best for each other. My mom is a lot of fun. We get each other on more levels than I think either of us ever realized.

Today is a sad sad day because my mom has gone home. I almost took to begging her to stay but maybe a little space is healthy (I think she could get that space by moving a few miles away but that's neither here nor there) we have had an amazing month and a half. I can't wait to see what the next visit brings.

Sunday Fun-Day

I think Sundays are one of my favorite days of the week. It is like the official family/relaxation day for me. I don't like to do anything outside of the house unless it's a walk, church, or maybe eating out if I don't cook.

Our Sunday tradition is have nice breakfast--today I made chocolate chip pancakes, church, nice lunch--today I fired up the grill, and nap. Lately though, my son has been slacking in the desire to nap department...YIKES. I swear I think he really thinks he might miss something. He positioned himself in such a funny way when he did pass out that I had to snap a picture. Who sleeps with their shirt up??

Today he wouldn't go down until after 4PM. Not prime nap time but once he went down and so did I. I love a good nap. I still live by the mom rule--sleep when the baby sleeps (even though he is far from a baby)--some of the best mommy advice I ever took.

Anyhow, I kind of missed most of the sermon today during church. This happens more often than not lately. Truth be told, toddlers are a distraction. By the time the sermon starts my boy is ready to be on the move. I got bits and pieces of it in the cry room (aka baby play land) but it is hard for me to focus when I am not in the sanctuary and there are toys blasting--I keep forgetting to ask someone to crank up the volume in there. I will be glad when he is old enough for children's church.

My pastor has been talking about God's Promises though. We are starting a novel study of sorts using the book God's Promises For Your Every Need by A.L. Gill. Lucky for me, I already have the book. I started it a long time ago. I can't remember much about it though (clearly it did not move me), but hopefully I'll finish it this time around so I can feel somewhat apart of the learning experience at church.

Hope you had a wonderful Sunday! What are some of your Sunday traditions? I'd love to hear.

The Struggle is Real

I am super excited for my mom and nephew to be visiting with us at the end of the month for almost two months. As their visit approaches, it has caused me to reflect on a few things about my relationship with my mother.

For starters, I love my mama, flaws and all. There have been many times though when I look at the relationships of some of my friends and their mothers or woman in my church and their daughters and I wish we had more. For most of my mom's adult life, she has struggled with drug addiction. This meant that I didn't have the most conventional up bringing but I was very blessed that my mom was sober for almost ten years of my life and was able to be fully present for some of the most important moments of my teenage and young adult life.

When she relapsed after such a long time, at first I was livid. What in the world was she thinking? Why would she want to throw it all away? I had always struggled with the idea of how does one reconcile having a Howard University educated daughter with a budding career while being on drugs. There is so much to be apart of and so many great things on the horizon. How could anyone not want to be a part of that? To be honest, most of the time it is embarrassing. I used to feel guilty living the life that I have knowing that my mother was somewhere doing drugs.

She had been clean for so long that when I asked one of my dear friends to pray for us, she said she didn't even know my mom ever had a drug problem. Are you kidding me?? This is where the embarrassment creeps in. My mom is never ashamed of her addiction though. When she was sober, she never shied away from telling her story to help others (she still does that now in the midst of her struggle).

In the book One Minute with God for Women, by Hope Lyda it says "are you nurturing your pain more than your hope?"

PAUSE

Let that sink in.

My mother's addiction is definitely a pain. "Are you nurturing your pain more than your hope?" Lord Jesus I hear you (I say this often...or some other variation of it when I hear or read something that really makes me think.) Over the years I have been able to move past the things that I longed for with my mother that I never got and I forgave her for things her addiction caused her to do that hurt me. Today, even though it is still hard I times, I revel in the fact that I have a mother when so many don't and I genuinely appreciate and love everything she brings to the table. She is one of the most loving and caring people I know. I will not nurture the pain. I mean hello when I was born I was the most spoiled babies on the block. I was cloth diapered (WHAT?!? as a working mom now who has time for that?? no thanks) and had the best of everything. She helped me pick out my wedding dress and was really the life of the party during my wedding season. She cooked for me virtually everyday when I was pregnant with my son and gave me a home pedicure when my feet were swollen...I mean if that isn't love I don't know what is. I've come to the conclusion that we all struggle with something so I am not going to pass judgement on my mom because her struggle is drugs and it still persists at various times. Hell if I could say no to a few more desserts I wouldn't be obese (I know I know I don't look obese but that is what the numbers say my friends) so I know the struggle is real. There are so many woman who yearn to have the experiences that I have had with my mother; how dare I now be grateful.

 

 

 

Now that I really think about it, I am beyond blessed to have the mama that I have. She freakin' rocks and can't nobody tell me any different. Would you believe that people have actually tried to though?The bible says "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" (John 8:7). While I will continue to pray for her healing, I love her and am eternally grateful for her.

So here is my challenge to you from again from the book One Minute with God for Women, by Hope Lyda: "Practice the art of satisfaction. Start building your daily life by embracing it, seeing the good in and celebrating each gift of goodness that comes your way."

Overall, I am beyond satisfied. In fact, I'm going to go call my mom now and let her know that she is loved. I am ready to celebrate her and my son's birthdays in August, have her help me decorate my house, and have a blast with the boys (who I have aptly named ebony and ivory...hehe).