Heartbroken

I can vaguely remember the last time I had a good cry or had something happen to me that really tore at my heart strings. Because it has been a while, I should've known that I was long overdue. I've been learning in class that our bodies react when something happens to us (love, trauma, loss, anger, etc). I thought that was probably true but now I have confirmed that is a fact.

This week has been filled with amazing highs---personality theory midterm aced in fifteen minutes flat, rocked my first pair of wedge boots all day (major accomplishment on my part), got great feedback on one of my teaching observations, son went down for bed and instead of crying when I got up to leave, when I told him I was going he said okay mommy, and I have a great lesson for teen mentoring tomorrow night at church.

But it has also been filled with some real heart aches--didn't get the chance to study how I needed to for my other midterm so I probably didn't do well, my auntie that I am named after is having her heart checked for blockages today and I can't be with her, someone very close to me really hurt me in a way that I am not sure I can repair, so much grad school reading and work to do and very little time to do it well, and I have to have some tough conversations in the coming days and I am not sure I'm ready for.

My body is definitely in sync with these heart aches I am feeling. I have been able to remain calm for the most part but I have definitely wanted to throw up. I haven't broken down and let the tears cleanse me yet so instead I didn't get much sleep.

It is usually like this right before a major blessing is coming. I can not see it yet in the midst of all the clouds uncertainty but I know something is coming. In my devotional the other day, it talked about how sometimes we are given struggles not for ourselves but to be a model for others. I want people to be able to see the Christ in me even when times are rough.

That is why in the midst of my current heart ache, I am still grateful. I am grateful that many of my friends who work for the government are going back to work today. I am grateful that I have a loving family in spite of our imperfections. I am grateful for the sister friends even if I have to disagree with them or fuss at them sometimes because there are many people who have no one.

I am grateful.

I am grateful.

I am grateful.

Keep me in your prayers my friends.